Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
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how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*