While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
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Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November