Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
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[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
kids play hide and seek like
reviewed some movies recently
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.