Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
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A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.