ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
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My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Thursday Thought.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this