if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Sponch
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
spicy snake
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.