This is a whole mood;
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accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
When news reporters do sports stories
just having fun