professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
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Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Reporter: *ports again*
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Worlds greatest photobomb
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?