My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
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I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
where do you see yourself in five years?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…