8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
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So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.