Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
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Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!