Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
gentlemen, hear me out
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.