angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?