Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
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i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.