“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
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Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny