My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
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All. The. Damn. Time.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
The cashier just checked me out.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend