[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
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[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????