Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
You Might Also Like
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.