Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am