SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
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Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Comparing yourself to others
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”