“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
same bro
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys