Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
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For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The happy life.. 😊
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*