Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.