[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
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Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
If I ignore life will it go away?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.