I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
You Might Also Like
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I just ran a .003048K
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.