The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
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Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband