In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
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[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Seems a bit forward
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter