Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
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[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
smh
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Worth the read.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days