Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
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english majors be like furthermore
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.