*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
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I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.