I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
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9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?