Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
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Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
See..?
.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
OMG 🤣🤣
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.