Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
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Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.