You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
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Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
(Jupiter –
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.