8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
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the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.