No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
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[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
man i love columbo
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*