Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
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[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong