[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
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Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.