I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
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Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?