It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
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It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Black Friday “markdowns” like
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy