Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
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Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
6. me as a lawyer
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.