INFORMER!!!
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A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
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First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I can’t stop laughing at this