Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
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You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Important reminders
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”