Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.