We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
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I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.