….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
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Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.