[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
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“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
this will hang in the louvre one day
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”