Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
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Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run