Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
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Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Sharon I have some bad news
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand