This is no longer an app but a mishapp
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In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I only say stupid things when I talk.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job